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I dont want those who I love and care for to think Im a flake and not responding to their messages, or that Im neglecting my responsibilities. Its not that I wouldnt reply to texts, VM's, etc.. Its that I couldnt!
Everyone knows I have an eating disorder, well the beginning of October started a downward spiral that came to a screaming halt in the middle of the month. I lost control of so many things in the last few months; relationships, job, living situation, bills..and the list goes on and on.
But there is one thing I can control and that is my weight and caloric intake, and such. In a nutshell I got to the point where eating did not factor into my daily activities and after about the 5th day my body said NO MORE! It chose to do this while out with my mother and I passed out. I was made to see my doctor and he "suggested" ( HA! more like insisted, since I really wasnt going to get a choice in the matter) an eating disorder retreat in the mountains of Oregon...so I went. I was not allowed my cell phone or computer access. Basically no outside influences while there. It wasnt in my best interest to leave until I reached their goal weight (which I still dont agree with) But I did it and am now home. I have wonderful friends who were worried and I received all of your texts when I got home.. Im catching up with all that got neglected while I was there and taking each hour one step at a time. I will say that it has been established that being here in Oregon is a major trigger for me, and Im doing everything I can to get out of here.
Im fine and dont want sympathy, I just wanted you to know why there was no responses from me.
xoxox
I dont talk to him, I avoid him at all cost and never forget what he did to me. I only ask that they dont talk about him in front of me and vice versa. Is that to much to ask? But once again he has convinced everyone of them that Im just bitter and he has changed.
well Im sorry but its easier for you to forget the crap because it wasnt you who had to wear a cast because of all the torn cartlidge in your ankle from him chasing you down to hit you some more and make it so you cant run. It wasnt you who had the black eye and fat lip. The bruises strategically placed so nobody would know...but the worst part is that it wasnt you who had your self esteem so torn down, you werent yourself anymore.
Its taken me a lot to get ME back and if keeping that confidence in myself means I have to keep a little hate for him to do it, DAMN STRAIGHT I WILL!
He came by the house to pick Pierce up for a meeting at the school and Pierce wasnt quite ready, (I made my mom answer the door) He said he guessed he would wait in the car, hinting that it would be nice to be invited in. My mom said "well I guess you could come in...let me put the dogs out back" I had gone to my room to shower and change and I hear my mom saying to my sister that he is coming in and my sister said "well that might piss Mischel off and make her uncomfortable?" My mom said well I guess she can stay in her room til he leaves, it will only be a few minutes?! and it isnt his fault Pierce wasnt ready and its hot outside"
He didnt end up coming in, but WTF? ARE YOU FREAKIN SERIOUS??
I should have to hide in my bedroom in my own house to accommodate him because it is hot out? Well asshole get used to the heat because when ya get to hell there isnt any air condidioning.
How has he brainwashed them all? and how did I become the bad guy in my sons eyes for not letting go?!
They say to heal you have to forgive, but they also say to alcoholics that they need to ask forgiveness. Well he has never asked and Im not giving it!
- Mood:
angry
Be careful today and dont blow any fingers off with fireworks!
I actually hate fireworks, it comes from having a daddy that liked to "alter" normal simple things like whistling petes so they would shoot into the air and then explode. He used to scare the bejeesus out of me. Not to mention when one went shooting across the pavement and under my chair instead of up in the air! So ya'll enjoy those nasty things, I will watch them from inside ;p
- Mood:
nostalgic
But this last Friday takes the cake in devotion to your men.
Sabrina and I decided we would help our boys out by flying out to Texas for their show in San Antonio and drive the van theyve been driving for the last week back to Dallas to save them 600.00.. What a helluva a trip.
Sabrina was flying in to Phoenix in the morning on friday from LAX and I was flyin into PHX from San Diego after working a flight. Then we both were booked together to San Antone (love the free flying for both of us), until I got the call from Sabrina letting me know San Antone was oversold and didnt look good. Uum yeah when your flying standby and there are NO seats thats a big No Bueno. We had to get there somehow, there was no way around that.. SO I decided lets fly into the closest city and drive there in a rental car and use my corporate rate for a one way drop. (50.00 for the car and .40 a mile) Well the only city that had any seats available was Houston...a 2 1/2 hour drive. There were 7 open seats and we had top priority as of thursday nite. No Problem right? Nope! In the morning as I was working my flight from San Diego to PHX (boarding), Sabrina texted to say "uh Oh only one seat available on Houston flight and there are now people with higher boarding thatn us" SHIT PISS AND DAMN.
I told her to meet me at the gate and cross her fingers that people didnt show up.
My flight was supposed to leave at 640am and arrive in PHX at 803 and our houston flight left at 905am, this gives me plenty of time to get to our houston flight. Well as we taxi out to the runway the captain parks the plane and informs us that due to weather in PHX we now have a wheels up time of 740am...arriving at 830am! More shit,piss and damn out of me, because I am going to have to due the OJ Simpson and run thru the terminal to get to my flight, which I do! As I run to the gate I see Sabrina and the gate agent calls our names to let us know that she might have 2 seats and to standby! Thank God she did so now we are on our way! YAY!
Sabrina and I are supposed to land in Houston at 145pm and decide that we should call the boys and tell them to delay their departure time out of houston and swing by and pick us up on their way out to head to San Antonio, which would save us renting a car and driving! Brats couldnt wait an hour to do this because they had sound check and other crap to do...like stop at every freakin fast food restraunt on the way..you know priorities! GRRRR! So we pick up the rental car and head to San Antone!
Im gonna finish this story in a bit........
- Location:my new place
- Mood:
chipper - Music:Baby its cold outside-Dean Martin
Bye for now, talk to you later!
xoxox
Here was my reply:
Dear Dr. So n So
I wanted to take the time to Thank You on behalf of my parents, phsyciatrist and counselors for the lovely letter I received from you stating that "It wasnt my fault that I am fat!" Im now sure the thousands of dollars and countless hours they spent on my anorexia and subsequent recovery were a waste of time because I truly am fat and it wasnt an illness and dismorphia that made me think this.
So on behalf of anorexic/bulimics everywhere thank you for justifying our views.
I cant believe they send these out to random people, having no clue what their background is! Ok rant over!
- Mood: angry
So Celebrity Rehab started tonite and I was going to watch it...but find I cant do it! I turned it on and seeing Popcorn just tore me apart. I started crying and couldnt stop. I know the things he is going to have to face in there about his family and what drove him to drugs, and it breaks my heart. I love him to pieces and hope this is the last time.... But at the same time Im pissed off as hell that he has let that bitch Carolina back in his life. Once again I feel as if Im partially to blame, I know Im not but still. Ironically when I turned it off I went to get a pop and cigs at the store and Skid Rows- I remember you came on the radio. That was the song Steven had dedicated to me on the local radio station here in Oregon a year ago in April when I was here after we went our seperate ways. I hear ya radio gods, damn do i hear ya.
The good news is I wont be talked about on this show because I refused permission. To bad they didnt have this show when Toddy was sick (and I say sick because addiction is a sickness) maybe If they did I would be living happily ever after.
Heh on a funny note though I realized tonite how damn much Rob reminds me of Steven, damn he is Popcorn Jr without the drugs and a few extra brain cells. Can everyone repeat after me and say- transference. Dude Rob didnt stand a chance if I was using him to replace steven, poor dumb drummer, or not so dumb...he figured it out before I did!
I really have to get the hell out of here! being here gives me way to much time to reflect and think and that is a dangerous thing. This state kills me, I mean the state is gorgeous and Pierce is here, but I cant be me here. Im not cut out for this laid back place . Hello have ya met me?? HAHA
- Mood: contemplative
- Music:Skid Row
As i sit here trying to find ways not to pack, I started to think about something a fellow flight attendant said when one of our pilots asked about me: " Oh its simple to describe Mischel...she is the consummate Flight Attendant by day, but a rocker chick thru and thru when free time comes...plain and simple!" She was right about those two things! But I am that and have been and will be so much more.
So just for shits and giggles here is some random shit I bet most of you dont know about me:
I was a dancer all thru high school
Songleader/cheerleader
gymnast ( pretty damn good too, until I blew my knee out) and gymnastics coach for a very well know squad
Double jointed
Rodeo Queen in California
Barrel Racer
1st Runner up in the Miss Petite California Pagent
Lingerie Model
Stripper
Mickey Mouse, Minnie, Chip, Dale, etc at Disneyland
Snow White, Cinderella, Belle, Alice and Sleeping Beauty at Disneyland (traveled all over the US doing guest appearances)
PR for major bands and Tawne Mastery
assistant concert promoter
Stripper
Musicians girlfriend (hell numerous times over)
Musicians wife (hush about this one marie ;) )
Mother
Dental Assistant
Bartender/waitress
travel Agent
Accounting degree
Exercise Girl ( training to be a jockey) at Los Alamitos Racetrack
raced motocross from when I was 5 til 12
Miss Gazzari's
thats just a fraction of the things I have done or accomplished and Im still looking for more opportunities to seize!
I guess I took to heart when at a young age my Papa said "You can be who and whatever you want to be if you decide to, your my girl who doesnt let anyone or anything stand in her way!" To be honest most of the things I did was because it was a challenge or I was bored.....but the one thing I can truly say that has stayed constant in my life is my loyalty to friends and love of music and the bad boys who inhabit it!
xoxox
- Mood: nostalgic
- Music:operator-jim croce
Im so upset for many reasons. He was my bestest buddy, confidante and cuddler. Im mad at myself because I wasnt there to hold and comfort him like he comforted me when I was ill or down. I will never forget him and he will never be replaced in my heart.
- Mood:
sad - Music:seasons in the sun ~Terry Jacks
On top of this my past disorder is raising its ugly head and I cant stop it. I know I should eat and not starve myself, but dammit when my heart is hurting and I cant control that pain, I know I can control this. Maybe I need to start seeing someone about my ANA. Im going to drink a Slim Fast so I have some nutrients in my system, and dont pass out AGAIN!
What is wrong with me?? Why cant I love myself or others?
- Mood: crushed
- Music:What hurts the most-Rascal Flatts
He was in a real bad way and decided to leave town to hang with one of those friends and once again tried to call and convince me he had changed. When my mom answered the phone I refused to take the call even though he was telling her how sorry he was and how much he loved me. I just couldnt put myself through that. I knew he had been with HER
The next morning my mom woke me up to take THE call.....she said dont refuse baby, Its S**** and he has to talk to you. She then proceeded to sit down next to me and wrap her arms around me tight. I started to shake uncontrollably because I already knew without hearing the words. But I listened anyhow : "Oh my god he is gone, our T is gone, I couldnt save him!" I dont remember what my response was, probably something to the tune of THATS NOT FUNNY! But it was true...he was truly gone and it was my fault. If I had taken his call he would be alive. I was in a daze for a few weeks and then slowly came out of it. I moved on and began to live again, or at least thats what I told myself. But Its been a lie..Ive never truly let go and moved on.
T was always with me in some form or other; a soft breeze, a song on the radio, visits in my dreams. Always telling me it wasnt my fault, that I could forgive myself and most of all to be happy.
- Mood: drained
- Music:kevin sharp..nobody knows
Aries Love Profile:
Your positive traits:
You're quite the charmer. You've got the wit and attitude to attract almost anyone you meet.
Out spoken and honest, any date knows how they stand with you.
Fearless, independent, and willing to try anything twice - your dates should expect the unexpected.
Your negative traits:
You tend to be vain, and you expect your partner to feed that vanity often with complements.
Hot tempered and impulsive, you've occasionally ended things ... only to regret it later.
You're obsessed with being the best, most loved girlfriend or boyfriend your sweetie's ever had.
Your ideal partner:
A risk taking, free spirit like yourself - who can keep up with your latest wild child antics.
Someone stylish, attractive, and fit... who can keep you attracted for months.
Is hard to get - and lets you pursue things. You prefer to be the chaser, not the one being chased.
Your dating style:
Wild, unpredictable, fun, and daring. Your ideal date may involve a couple motorcycles or naked skydiving.
Your seduction style:
Honest and direct - you have no need for romance or much foreplay.
Show off. You like to show your lover how you're the best ever.
Ambitious. You often like to go all night - or aim for multiple orgasms.
Tips for the future:
Start to believe in second and third chances. You don't have to dump them so fast.
Savor the process. Sometimes the best part of falling in love is taking things in slow motion.
Let go of comparisons. If someone's with you, then you've already one. Stop worrying about exes.
Best color to attract mate: Red
Best day for a date: Tuesday</font></td></tr></table><div align="center"><a href="http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourlovep
- Mood: amused
